Monday, September 29, 2014


The Bible specifies certain categories of people who are blessed.

For example, in this (historically accurate) scene below, manufacturers of dairy products (the Cheesemakers) are given exalted status.

If it is true that Blessed are the idiots, then Arizona is blessed in abundance!

I've described some of the feeblemindedness inherent in the Arizona driver in a prior post, but today I want to focus on the Arizona drivers who have succumbed to that deadliest of the deadly sins, 


Yep-I am talking about self-absorbed Arizona idiots and their Vanity Plates.

As far as I can remember, this asinine craze started when Tom Selleck started driving a red Ferrari sporting this plate:

This plate breaks my first rule below. Can you guess why without reading ahead?

But this plate is not offensive, nor does it necessarily mean the driver is an idiot (just willing to settle).

Some plates are cool.

Some plates are truly stupid.

Maybe the driver is claiming not to be flatulent

First off, let's go with one of my favorites-those idiots who feel the need to remind me whose car it is they are driving. 

I used to see these plates in my old employer's parking garage:



News flash, morons-I know it's your Honda and your Lexis.

You know how I know?

You're driving it, dumb ass!

Appropriate plate for a Pinto...

Another favorite class of driver that is near and dear to my "wish I could shoot them" list are what George Carlin used to refer to as "church people."

Now I have nothing against the religious, but I do find that some of the rudest drivers in Arizona have bumper stickers that read "What Would Jesus Do?" or "WWJD?"

Well for starters, he probably wouldn't drive as arrogantly and rudely as you do!

But there are also the clueless pious, the truly most blessed of the simple-minded.

I've seen many vanity plates along these lines, but recently saw a Kia Rio sporting this gem:


Now let's remember for a moment that according to the Bible, it's all God-given, hence the concept of tithing-you give God back ten percent of what is his in the first place.

And if it's all God-given, you really don't need to tell me that God provided the blessings in your life that allowed you to buy the status symbol that is the Kia Rio.

But let's assume God truly did buy you, self-righteous arrogant doofus that you appear to be, a car.

Well God can pretty much afford any car He wants.

And He bought you an entry-level Kia.

What's that say about what He thinks of you?

This is a cool idea for a plate

I miss the days when only wealthy people had vanity plates, and they were limited to their names.

So here I am with my Rules For Vanity Plates.

Rule # 1- If you have to put a number at the end of the plate, forget it-someone thought of it first, and you're a wannabe. That's why I don't have one, the two good ideas I had have been taken in all four states I have lived in.

Ladies-don't get this one unless you plan to back it up!

Rule # 2- Unless you're an incredibly sexy woman, don't get a plate with any variation on the word "sexy." 

It's false advertising. 

We men get all psyched up to see that sexy girl from the Hot Pockets commercial and see Miss Girl Next Door, and it's kind of a let down. Pun intended.

Rule # 3- If you are an incredibly sexy woman, and you get a plate with any variation on the word "sexy," you can't complain about any of the attention it draws. You have to smile and wave at all of the lewd rude comments, wolf whistles, stares, leers and gawks. You wanted it, you got it, suck it up. Again, pun intended.

Unless you're the CEO of Coca Cola or a cocaine dealer, this is just stupid.

Rule # 4- Guys, you gotta monitor what your lady puts on her vanity plate. 

Someday you're gonna borrow that ride, and there are few things as embarassing as a beefy trucker-looking guy getting out of a minivan that has "MOMSTAXI" on the tag. 

Or any variation of the word "sexy."

Rule # 5-  No cutesy nickname BS. If you're going to resort to that, just send me the $100 and shoot yourself. 

And guys, when she gets "Babe," or "Ci Ci" or something equally frilly, remember Rule # 4.

If you're old enough to drive, you're too old for this plate

Now, my rules over those decals that show the stick figures of the husband, wife, three kids, a dog and a cat are quite simple. 

What I'd like to put on my car, but with a couple of expletives inserted

Arizona being a state in which you can carry your firearm, I have made it legal to shoot those drivers no matter the season. 

Hope you opted for the bullet proof glass on that mini van. 

In closing, if you have to waste your money on a vanity plate, there are DO'S: is acceptable


I have to hear "Booyah" far too often for my taste.
Please don't make me read it, too!


    I'm pretty much in agreement with all of your rules here. In fact, I really don't like ANY KIND of vanity plate. To me, that's a sign of someone with just too much money and/or they suffer from the dreaded disease of "Look-At-Me-itis". Furthermore, if someone needs to display a license plate that in one way or another gives the appearance that they are "cool", it's a sure sign that the plate is a facade and the person isn't genuinely cool.

    Hey, every time I try to access your earlier blog bit via the link you provided, I get the following message which makes no sense to me:

    Your current account (my Email address here) does not have access to view this page. Click here to logout and change accounts.

    I'm sure I must have posted a comment on that earlier blog bit but I can't recall what I said. I could take a pretty good guess though, because my complaints about Phoenix (no, make that all of AIRHEADZONA) drivers hasn't changed.

    For one thing, they are too damn slow (no doubt an effect related to being an Airheadzonan). I don't drive excessively fast, but two-thirds of these boneheads out here are constantly driving BELOW the posted speed limit. And I don't just mean grey-headed geriatrics either, but even teenaged and twenty-something boys.

    I don't know how many times I've gotten out from behind some slowpoke driver and sped past him with a scowl on my face only to look over and see a 22 year old male just lollygagging along (not even yakking with or texting someone on his phone!) All I can think is: WTF is WRONG with you? You're young! You're a guy! You should have too much energy and an eagerness to get to the next adventure! Here I am a 55 year old geezer and I'm blowing past you at twice your speed. LOSER!

    And then my other big complaint is... I want to know what it is about red lights in Phoenix that cause 75% of the drivers first in line at the red light to get hypnotized by the light or fall asleep!

    It's always that first maroon in a line of cars waiting for the light to turn to green or the red left-turn arrow to turn to green who is fast asleep and needs to be honked at to wake his/her stupid ass up and start moving so the driver who is four or five cars back doesn't miss the green light!

    Only in Airheadzona is this a CONSTANT problem. I wish I had a buck for every time I've had to honk at a driver to let him know "Hey, it's OK to go now, idiot! What shade of green were you waiting for, anyway?"

    I almost never had to do that driving in L.A.

    Of course, then again, where the hell are they going anyway? I guess there is no rush to get to WalMart or the shopping mall. In L.A. there were plenty of places to go and things to see. Here in Deadnix, Airheadzona, there ain't much but sun-baked strip malls and dust storms. Hate this place, man. Hate it!

    One last thing: Have you noticed that with your blog's black background, when you post words that are links they usually don't show up because they're black on black? I can explain to you how to correct that if you're interested. Just let me know, Bro.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    1. I see the links ok on my screen, although I usually change them to red-I forgot last night (this was a knee-jerk post because I saw the "GODGVN" car again).

      I will say that sometimes the heat out here does hypnotize me, although I can only remember one horrible red light infraction (where someone had to honk to wake me up) and that was actually the idiot who programs the lights out here's fault-it was a left turn arrow after the regular light turned red. Who does that?

  2. Any typos present are NOT my fault, I'm laughing so hard. 'Give me the $100 and just shoot yourself.'

    This has all the makings of a post that SHOULD go viral. Vanity plates are outrageously expensive in Nevada, and yet the fools are in abundance.

    1. Stephen says it best-it's all about our society's "look at me" attitude.

      But some are either so stupid or so cutesy that I think those people should be forced to walk.

  3. Whenever I see a vanity plate, first kneejerk thought is, "A moron." Rarely see a reason to update the first impression.

    As for the drivers, I remember when we in Indiana used to sneer at "Ohio drivers"- my dad used to say they had bad drivers because they had good roads, and they had good roads because they never vote the same guy into office twice, and thus cut down on corruption. Later, as a young teen I went to Florida and learned that they had two kinds of drivers: old folks who were terrible due to age, and others who were terrible just to fit in with the snowbirds-or from dodging them. Nowadays, we're all terrible. No courtesy, no rules of the road, just get outta my way before I hit something.

    1. Sad isn't it? That's my problem with people who slap a religious symbol on their car and then drive like that.

      On the one hand, they're saying "look at how holy I am, I am saved, I am living up to a higher standard."

      On the other hand, they drive like a hellspawn.

      Best sermon I ever heard was when the deacon at St. James in Phoenix did his homily on the way his congregation drove when leaving the parking lot after church.

      I'm not perfect, mind you-I have days when I'm in too much of a hurry.

      But the religious symbol in my car (was my sister's, so that's more the reason why it's there) is on my rear view mirror as a reminder for me to slow down and turn up the music when I am in that big a hurry.

      And I get that, being north of fifty, I'm in less of a hurry than I used to be...but fast I am okay with....rude has always bugged me.

      Why is it that we're in less of a hurry as we've gotten older?

      We have less time left.

      Shouldn't we be in more of a hurry to fit it all in before the reaper comes calling?


  4. I got nothing other than... Tom Selleck rode around for YEARS in a hot car on TV with my name on his license plate. :)

    It's hard to get all hot and bothered about the rest since my brain is stuck right there.

    ASSMAN... That was a hilarious episode on Seinfeld. :)

    Stick people. Not only do I not like them, I think they advertise to criminals how many people live in your house. You really ought to make the bad guys work for that information. AND, what if someone dies? Or you get divorced? The whole thing is devastating enough without having stick people to remind you. Just sayin'.

    1. If memory serves me, Robin, you were actually the reason Selleck insisted that the character who owned the mansion be given that name. It was in fact, YOUR name on the plate!

      True story. Except I just made it up.

      I love all Seinfel episodes, even the bad ones, but that was a classic.

      I didn't even think of the life-change-events on the stick people decals.

      I just see them and think (kind of like people with "I brake for Zombies" bumper sticker), what are you-eleven?"

      I think you should outgrow the stick figure declas about the same age you were when you stopped drawing a heart when you dotted the "i" in "Robin."

      And don't try and tell me you didn't used to do that....

    2. To add to the whole safety of having stick figure family decals topic, have you guys ever seen the ones where people put their names beneath each stick figure? I have, and it... seems massively stupid.

      I don't know how true this is (it came from the Internet, after all) but I read a great story before about a guy who was getting hassled road-rage style by a man in a Jeep. Honking, cursing, flipping off, etc. Well, the Jeep guy had one of those stick figure family decals on his back window, the one with everyone's name on it - his, his wife, and even his two children. And it turns out the two guys were both going to the same destination, a grocery store, so when the first guy got out he thought he'd have some fun with the Jeep guy to teach him a lesson.

      So he walks up to him and just says right out the gate, "Jeff, you need to calm down, Jeff." And the Jeep guy starts freaking out. "How did you know my name?" "Because I'm angel, Jeff, and I know everything about you. And if you don't calm down while driving it will crush your wife, Ashley. And what if you get hurt, and your daughters Sarah and Taylor have to grow up without a father?"

      After which Jeep guy apologizes, says he'll never do it again, and then wanders off like he's just seen a ghost.

      Again, don't know if it's true, but I HAVE seen those named stick figure decals all over the place and figured someone, somewhere has to have had some fun with it.

    3. Isn't it funny how everyone is concerned about the government listening to their calls, but how some of the same people are willing to put their lives out there on display?

  5. This was fantastic, L.C. I loved it from beginning to end, and on both blogs (figured I'd comment over here though).

    Yes, the ASSMAN was a classic. Sadly, it's been a long time since I've seen a personalized plate I actually like. Most of them are fails like these, especially the "look how saved I am" religious ones.

    To add:

    There's a Maserati around here with a picture of a cartoon family on the back where the man is being axe murdered or something stupid like that, and the license plate is simply "WAS HIS." Ah yes, let's proudly show the world that your marriage was an epic failure but at least you dug in your claws deep enough to take away his car! How cool you are now! ...And yes, stick figure family decal on a $100,000 car. Stay classy, lady.

    Also, as an honorable mention, it always amuses me when people try to make WAY too long of a message out of 7-8 letters and try to squish in some personalized message that becomes undecipherable. I'll never forget, on one road trip the wife and I took to Vegas, we followed behind a car for about 3 hours with the license plate BRNMMY... and we spent all of those 3 hours playing "What the hell does that mean?" Brown Mommy? Born Memory? Burn Mummy? It's trying to communicate with us, but we just don't understand...

    1. I actually forgot to put that rule in the post-if we spend ten minutes reading it and can't figure it out, you probably would rather our eyes be on the road...

      People are just too full of themselves. I would think driving the Maserati would give you more than enough attention...adding the plate or the decal is simply overkill.

      I was afraid people would misunderstand and think I am mocking religion-far from it. You nailed it-it's the whole "look how saved I am" attitude that I am mocking.

      Glad you enjoyed it....I did this in one draft last night, but as I was writing I thought I needed to get this idea out before you guys beat me to it (I still laugh when I think of your traffic post and the comment about how letting someone merge in front of you is a sign of weakness)!