Thursday, July 28, 2016


More from the "I Can't Make This Shit Up" department...

An Orlando was arrested for having doughnut crumbs in his car.

Dan Rushing said he was wrongfully taken into custody because Orlando police thought the icing crumbs from a Krispy Kreme doughnut was crystal meth.

Police said it was a lawful arrest, and they tested the icing twice with their drug kits.

They said both times it came up as meth.

Rushing’s drug arrest happened in December.

Orange County court records show Rushing was arrested for possession of meth, but the case was dropped a month later after the Florida Department of Law Enforcement tested what turned out to be icing from a doughnut.

An incident report said the officers were called to a 7-Eleven for possible drug activity.

Police said Rushing was pulled over after leaving the store for failing to stop at a stop sign then going 42 miles per hour in a 30 miles per hour zone.

Rushing said he gave officers permission to search his car.

"They said, 'We found what we thought was crack cocaine in the beginning, but now we think it's methamphetamine’" said Rushing.

The report said an 11-year veteran officer found what was believed to be drugs.

The report went on to say the substance was tested twice.

The results showed meth.

"Every other Wednesday, I stop at Krispy Kreme and get a doughnut there. And they found four little flakes of the icing," Rushing said.

Now I have long suspected those bastiges at Krispy Kreme were putting a little "somthin' extra" into them there doughnuts...and meth makes perfect sense!

Bring a box into the office and watch how people react!

They eat them in rapid succession-to get the high!

They become unusually active!

They seem nervous and active!

Okay, my theory may not explain why they start having to loosen buttons on their clothes due to weight gain, but all the other signs of classic addiction are there!

These things are like crack, people!

Full story HERE

Wednesday, July 20, 2016


Sure, Arnold is tough. Yeah, Stallone is bad-ass. And they're both ripped, but maybe all that chicken breast is unnecessary.

I've always said things taste better with bacon, and it turns out it truly is a super food!

In what might be the best plot of all time for an action movie, an 86-year-old woman in England fought off a would-be thief on Monday using bacon.

The woman had picked up her pension from the bank on Monday afternoon and was heading for a store when approached by another woman who grabbed her cart and demanded her money, BBC reports. 

The 86-year-old used the only thing she had on her — a slab of bacon — which she used to hit the thief on the head.

The thief got away empty-handed and the woman was a little shook up, but otherwise fine.

Word is, the new Rocky sequel will involve training with bacon instead of a side of beef.

Thursday, July 14, 2016


Gene Roddenberry tried to paint a very liberal and permissive portrait of the future with his Star Trek franchise.

Certainly the human race is more permissive in the 23rd century.

Skin color does not seem to matter.

Yep, Kirk was landing green chicks under Rodenberry and Abrams’ direction!

And think about this-in every movie, Kirk trashes a perfectly good starship.

Would today’s Navy keep giving a captain a new ship every three years? I think not! But in the 23rd century, the taxpayers are willing to give young captains more chances to learn…

Next week, “Star Trek Beyond” will hit theaters with a bombshell: the long-running sci-fi franchise’s first openly gay character. 

As it happens, it’s someone that longtime fans already know and love: Helmsman Hikaru Sulu, the character played by George Takei in the original 1960’s television series and, later, in seven “Star Trek” movies.

Now, thank heaven for the alternate time line plot device. The writers avoid having to explain Sulu having the hots for Uhura in the original series.

With the JJ Abrams films we have an entirely new Sulu played by John Cho.

Cho may have been mistaken as gay in the Harold & Kumar film, but he did end up with this hottie by the second film...

She's not really relevant to my point, but she is a hottie!

My point? Simple. The GLBT (or LGBT-do you believe they are actually fighting over whether the initial for gay or lesbian goes first?) lobby is going to celebrate this as a win, even though openly gay George Takei was against changing Sulu's orientation.

I think it paints a bleak picture of the future for gays.


Because for the entire original series, the animated series, the six original cast films, seven years of The Next Generation, four TNG films, seven years of Deep Space Nine, seven years of Voyager, four years of Enterprise, thousands of novels, comic books and fan fiction pages and three JJ Abrams films-that's more than 244 years of Starfleet-Starfleet was still following the policy brought to you by this liberal guy:

Yep-the "enlightened" 23rd century was still following "don't ask don't tell!

It look a renegade Romulan destroying Vulcan, attacking Earth, getting Kirk out of bed with the green alien girl and sending the universe onto a different timeline for Starfleet to accomplish what the US Military repealed in eighteen years.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016


More absurdity from the Useless-A...

A Florida woman drove into a house on Thursday morning after deputies said she was driving with her eyes closed and praying.

The Fort Walton Beach woman failed to stop at a stop sign and continued through the intersection and into a nearby home, the Northwest Florida Daily News reported. Deputies said she attempted to back out of after the crash, but got stuck in sand.

When asked by deputies what happened, the woman said she was praying at the time and had her eyes closed. She was cited for reckless driving with property damage.

I am starting a lobbying group for my new “No Praying While Driving” law. 

Please send your contributions to this blog.

Read more HERE 

Saturday, July 9, 2016


President Obama made a couple of serious speeches this week.

You can tell they were serious-look at his face.

Or is that a serious face?

Look at this face:

And this one:

My first thought is that these three guys all had the same acting coach.

But maybe it's not a "serious" face at all!

Maybe it's the constipated face! 

Maybe the White House food service staff needs to work more roughage into their menus.

You never see Clinton or W making that face anymore....gotta be the food, right?

Please consider sending me a donation via PayPal to support the Presidential Laxative Fund. 

While your donations will not be tax deductible, I will spend them faster than you can process Thai food.

Sunday, July 3, 2016


More from the heart of American idiocy...I can't make stuff up that is this funny!

A Tennessee woman suffered critical injuries after she was stabbed during an argument over Rotel dip and crashed her car while trying to get to a hospital, Memphis police said.

Memphis police responded to a report of the car crash around 10:30 p.m. Saturday.

Officers said the 35-year-old victim was with a woman, 41, and a man, 42, when she wasted some Rotel dip. The 41-year-old woman got upset and the man handed her a knife.

She then stabbed the 35-year-old woman as they argued, according to police.

The victim was taken to Methodist University, where she is undergoing surgery.

Both suspects were taken into custody. Neither were identified and no charges were immediately filed.

(My favorite part!!) The investigation into the stabbing is ongoing.

Get Columbo on this one! 

Pull everyone else from every active case until the Cheese Dip Caper gets closed!

Now I will grant you that Rotel dip, made with Velveeta artificial cheese-like substance is all at once creamy, delicious and artery clogging...

...But do you think that maybe stabbing someone for wasting it, could possibly be construed as excessive?

After all, it's not like she double-dipped a chip!