HANKY SPANKY

It seems to me that the NFL is going through its current public image crisis because their rules are so vague.

The punishments meted out by the commish seem arbitrary and haphazard.

No one knows what to expect, and how many games their team will have to go without their stars, or whether or not they should return that replica jersey they just shelled out their hard-earned cash for.

Being the civic-minded citizen that I am, I have come up with a set of guidelines to help.

It's all about looking at what has been done in the past.

For example, if picking on this three hundred and fifty pound steroid-infused goliath qualifies as bullying:

Then doesn't it stand to reason that picking on this slip of a girl is borderline terrorism?

If incidental contact on this guy costs you an automatic first down and gives the other team back the ball…

Then how could whacking this little guy on the butt be anything but off limits and get you an indefinite suspension?

Remember just a couple of months ago when the NFL’s biggest concerns involved the locker room?

Back then, the league's only concern about rear-end spanking involved the Rams final draft pick!

I’ll bet they are remembering that media crisis quite fondly! 

In fact, they may want to break that "crisis" out of mothballs!

They said drafting Michael Sam created a "diversion."

What better time for a diversion?