PRIDE IN THE NAME OF THE DMV

The Bible specifies certain categories of people who are blessed.

For example, in this (historically accurate) scene below, manufacturers of dairy products (the Cheesemakers) are given exalted status.

If it is true that Blessed are the idiots, then Arizona is blessed in abundance!

I've described some of the feeblemindedness inherent in the Arizona driver in a prior post, but today I want to focus on the Arizona drivers who have succumbed to that deadliest of the deadly sins, 

Pride.

Yep-I am talking about self-absorbed Arizona idiots and their Vanity Plates.

As far as I can remember, this asinine craze started when Tom Selleck started driving a red Ferrari sporting this plate:

This plate breaks my first rule below. Can you guess why without reading ahead?

But this plate is not offensive, nor does it necessarily mean the driver is an idiot (just willing to settle).

Some plates are cool.

Some plates are truly stupid.

Maybe the driver is claiming not to be flatulent

First off, let's go with one of my favorites-those idiots who feel the need to remind me whose car it is they are driving. 

I used to see these plates in my old employer's parking garage:

MYHONDA

CMYLEXIS

News flash, morons-I know it's your Honda and your Lexis.

You know how I know?

You're driving it, dumb ass!

Appropriate plate for a Pinto...

Another favorite class of driver that is near and dear to my "wish I could shoot them" list are what George Carlin used to refer to as "church people."

Now I have nothing against the religious, but I do find that some of the rudest drivers in Arizona have bumper stickers that read "What Would Jesus Do?" or "WWJD?"

Well for starters, he probably wouldn't drive as arrogantly and rudely as you do!

But there are also the clueless pious, the truly most blessed of the simple-minded.

I've seen many vanity plates along these lines, but recently saw a Kia Rio sporting this gem:

GODGVN

Now let's remember for a moment that according to the Bible, it's all God-given, hence the concept of tithing-you give God back ten percent of what is his in the first place.

And if it's all God-given, you really don't need to tell me that God provided the blessings in your life that allowed you to buy the status symbol that is the Kia Rio.

But let's assume God truly did buy you, self-righteous arrogant doofus that you appear to be, a car.

Well God can pretty much afford any car He wants.

And He bought you an entry-level Kia.

What's that say about what He thinks of you?

This is a cool idea for a plate

I miss the days when only wealthy people had vanity plates, and they were limited to their names.

So here I am with my Rules For Vanity Plates.

Rule # 1- If you have to put a number at the end of the plate, forget it-someone thought of it first, and you're a wannabe. That's why I don't have one, the two good ideas I had have been taken in all four states I have lived in.

Ladies-don't get this one unless you plan to back it up!

Rule # 2- Unless you're an incredibly sexy woman, don't get a plate with any variation on the word "sexy." 

It's false advertising. 

We men get all psyched up to see that sexy girl from the Hot Pockets commercial and see Miss Girl Next Door, and it's kind of a let down. Pun intended.

Rule # 3- If you are an incredibly sexy woman, and you get a plate with any variation on the word "sexy," you can't complain about any of the attention it draws. You have to smile and wave at all of the lewd rude comments, wolf whistles, stares, leers and gawks. You wanted it, you got it, suck it up. Again, pun intended.

Really?
Unless you're the CEO of Coca Cola or a cocaine dealer, this is just stupid.

Rule # 4- Guys, you gotta monitor what your lady puts on her vanity plate. 

Someday you're gonna borrow that ride, and there are few things as embarassing as a beefy trucker-looking guy getting out of a minivan that has "MOMSTAXI" on the tag. 

Or any variation of the word "sexy."


Rule # 5-  No cutesy nickname BS. If you're going to resort to that, just send me the $100 and shoot yourself. 

And guys, when she gets "Babe," or "Ci Ci" or something equally frilly, remember Rule # 4.

If you're old enough to drive, you're too old for this plate

Now, my rules over those decals that show the stick figures of the husband, wife, three kids, a dog and a cat are quite simple. 

What I'd like to put on my car, but with a couple of expletives inserted

Arizona being a state in which you can carry your firearm, I have made it legal to shoot those drivers no matter the season. 

Hope you opted for the bullet proof glass on that mini van. 

In closing, if you have to waste your money on a vanity plate, there are DO'S:

Simple....cool...this is acceptable

And DON'TS:

I have to hear "Booyah" far too often for my taste.
Please don't make me read it, too!

JON STEWART'S RANT ON FERGUSON

FASHION SENSE

PUTTING THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE

COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU

ELEVATOR PROTOCOL

HANKY SPANKY

It seems to me that the NFL is going through its current public image crisis because their rules are so vague.

The punishments meted out by the commish seem arbitrary and haphazard.

No one knows what to expect, and how many games their team will have to go without their stars, or whether or not they should return that replica jersey they just shelled out their hard-earned cash for.

Being the civic-minded citizen that I am, I have come up with a set of guidelines to help.

It's all about looking at what has been done in the past.

For example, if picking on this three hundred and fifty pound steroid-infused goliath qualifies as bullying:

Then doesn't it stand to reason that picking on this slip of a girl is borderline terrorism?

If incidental contact on this guy costs you an automatic first down and gives the other team back the ball…

Then how could whacking this little guy on the butt be anything but off limits and get you an indefinite suspension?

Remember just a couple of months ago when the NFL’s biggest concerns involved the locker room?

Back then, the league's only concern about rear-end spanking involved the Rams final draft pick!

I’ll bet they are remembering that media crisis quite fondly! 

In fact, they may want to break that "crisis" out of mothballs!

They said drafting Michael Sam created a "diversion."

What better time for a diversion?

KNOCKOUT BLOW

"Think of how dumb the average person is,

and realize half of them are dumber than that"

- George Carlin

Many of my readers will write this off as a football post, but it is a reflection of how gullible the American public is.

The Baltimore Ravens terminated Ray Rice’s contract and the N.F.L. indefinitely suspended him after explicit video of Rice punching and knocking out his then-fiancée in an elevator in February was released.

Both the team and the league expressed shock at the video.

Most major media outlets applauded the actions taken by both the team and the league.

The N.F.L. said that during its investigation into the case, it had not seen the more graphic video.

The league said Tuesday in a statement that it had asked law enforcement officials for “any and all information about the incident, including any video that may exist” and “that video was not made available to us, and no one in our office saw it until yesterday.”

America seemed to applaud the fact that justice had been served.

Really?

Keep in mind that in no way do I condone abuse (I grew up in a time when a man simply did not hit a woman for any reason), and let’s forget that I struggle with work punishing you for something you do off the premises and unrelated to your work.

The league had said it initially suspended Rice for two games in part because prosecutors had dropped the felony assault charge against Rice in favor of court-supervised counseling.

Seems reasonable. 

I’d agree the punishment seemed light compared to their penalties for other infractions unreleated to the game, but I can see the train of thought.

In fact, the young lady obviously forgave Rice and felt the counseling had merit-she still married him!

But the team, the lague, and most of America is acting shocked at a video of Rice punching and knocking the young lady out!

Goodell (NFL commissioner) is blaming the New jersey criminal justice system for the league’s “lack of understanding of the severity of the case.”

What a crock!

We all saw a video of Rice dragging the unconscious woman off the elevator months ago.

What did these idiots think happened on the elevator?

Did they think Rice growled at her and she fainted?

Is him punching her and knocking her out really such a surprise turn of events?

Understand-I am not questioning either disciplinary measure-it’s the feigned surprise by both the team and the league, that no one could have prediceted the contents of the video released yesterday.

Roger Goodell and the Baltimore Ravens-you both made decisions a month or so ago that put football first. 

Then when public opinion turned on you, you did not stand behind your decision. So you hung Rice out to dry by cancelling his contract and suspending him.

So I do not applaud you for “doing the right thing.”

Nor do I applaud Nike, who cut ties with Rice, or EA Sports, who removed Rice from their 2015 edition of the Madden NFL video game.

I know that these are just bullshit public relations moves.

If the league and the team really cared about Rice, they'd help him seek out more counseling (if needed) and stand behind him. The only person who seemed sincere in this whole fiasco was the Ravens coach, who maintained his offer of support to Rice.

The rest of America may be kissing your asses but it's because of what George Carlin says in the quote that opens this post.

They’re stupid.

Which is why this blog has seen so little activity of late.  I feel like I am wasting my time.

The few people who regularly read and comment really no not need to read anything I have to post-they already read most of the sites and publications I do.

The rest of America does not want to think about the reality that is going on around us.

It would take away from football viewing.

Which you can now do Thursday nights through Monday nights.

That does not leave a lot of time for thought and reflection on the current state of affairs-it’s far easier just to drink the Kool-Aid.

Now excuse me-I have to do my weekly picks and my fantasy roster. Because THAT'S what's important!